REVIEWS, NOTES AND RANDOM THOUGHTS

Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre
Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre is the Scary Movie of the porn world. When I hear the word porno, I think of a fuck fest, nothing but sex, a genre in which they may attempt characterization or dialogue but it's no better than five-year-olds playing house. Camp Cuddly is so much more than that. Like the Scary Movie series you don't walk away astounded by the dramatic skills of a Shakespearian trained actor, but you do laugh so hard you can't breathe.

This was by no means regulation porn, rather more like a mainstream movie with gratuitous sex scenes. It explained away scenes where sex was randomly had with perfectly logical explanations. Such as the insane asylum was also home to wayward strippers- they'll strip you before you realize it if you let your guard down. And the mainstream world can't say it doesn't have wanna-be starlets screwing directors for a shot in the limelight. The rest of the movie, what else would you expect from college kids who are horny and drunk and in the middle of nowhere?

I found this movie intensely amusing; the only thing it lacked was the token black guy. It had two jocks, the ditzy cheerleader, the creepy boy/geek and the tough bitchy chick. It even had an epilogue scene when the survivor has moved on and is supposedly safe. Camp Cuddly was genuinely funny and the actors all stayed in their character's roles. I think I laughed as much watching Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre as I did watching the last Scary Movie. It's a movie I have already recommended to all my friends, even those who don't watch porn.

The spoofs range from Halloween all the way to American Beauty. The acting doesn't matter because the whole point of the film is to mock; yet the lines were well spoken. The dialogue kept the movie going and gave reasoning behind various sex scenes.

This movie offers something even more priceless than Oscar-worthy acting: it offers quotable lines! There are two quotes and their surrounding context in this movie that I love. These cine-gems were occurring as early as right after the first sex scene when all five main characters are in the back of the van:

Creepy boy: "Umm, just kinda curious, who's driving the van?"

Jock #1: "Don't worry dude, I put it on cruise control! (pause) Holy shit!"

At which point they run to the front seats screaming just in time to hit the movie's innocent bystander by accident, for the first time.

In scene 5, my second favorite quote appears.

Indian Spirit Guide: "Do you know how long it's been since I've had a white man's dick or a forked tongue up my ass?"

Jock #2: "Uhhh, honestly, I've never been with an Indian girl before, or a ghost."

Indian Spirit Guide: "Shhh, I'm sick of the white man's reservations. Consider this the first Thanksgiving pilgrim."

There are at least seven mainstream flicks to be found in Camp Cuddly. Can you figure out which movie goes with which scene or character?

1. The creepy boy with a camcorder constantly in hand who enjoys stalking an equally dark girl thrives in this film. The main difference: when he finally beds the object of his affection, the sex is a whole lot better. She doesn't flash him from across the street; she records his cock pounding her snatch for him. An added bonus, the creepy kid gets to screw the ditzy blonde cheerleader as well. Though it was in a separate scene, he still screwed both of them.

2. Wow. Five college kids travel across the desert in the middle of nowhere on the way to a "Metallicide" concert when their van mysteriously breaks down. A saw is used to kill a couple of them and the mask looks awfully fleshy towards the end of this flick.

3. It may be the middle of the desert but they still manage to accidently run over a man wearing a fisherman's slicker . . . three times. This corpse then disappears but is later found by the local authorities in a ditch partially eaten by wild animals. Of course we don't see the body, but we're told its state by the local cop.

4. Why wouldn't you do this if you had a camcorder? Two of the boys stumble upon strange symbols hanging in the trees; they then hear their friend's voice get freaked out and go running. It's at this point when we see through the lens of the camcorder and re-live the horror of an unstable camera running about and two men crying like babies about how they're going to die. The great part comes when they get back to the van, which is being shaken from the outside; they declare their love for each other. The bad news (or good news depending upon how you feel): the girls open up the van door to see them cowering before we can see some mano-a-mano action.

5. The background of the killer includes the fact that in 1958, on Halloween, after watching his sister and her boy toy do the deed (again much better action than in the mainstream film) he stole the boyfriend's mask and killed his sister. After the boyfriend left, the killer wears the mask while killing his sister with an electric pumpkin carver. This is the same mask the killer wears throughout the film, and I think it's safe to say he didn't kill any virgins.

6. When one of the few remaining guys, Jock #1 to be precise, is sent out to find firewood he instead finds a well, and a girl climbs up out of this well (in a jerky pattern) and proceeds to buff his wood. Sadly when she tries to convince him to go back to her well he accuses her of being clingy and attempting to extend a one-time fling. If only his girlfriend wasn't the tough bitch character he may have managed to stay in the house, send the creepy boy to worry about a chick's head spinning 360 degrees while getting a blowjob.

7. As the "tough bitch" of the group is fleeing the killer, she mysteriously runs through the one section of woods that receives a cellular signal. She then receives a call from a mysterious man who is supposedly watching her. She busts into a few dance moves (instead of picking her nose) to make him prove he's watching her. What follows is, of course, her death.

Were you able to figure out which was which? Make sure you watch Camp Cuddly Pines Power Tool Massacre to make sure you got the answers right. What? You weren't expecting me to tell you the answers, were you? I'm telling you this movie has plot, dialogue and some actual acting skills. If worse comes to worst it still has six sack sessions that you're bound to enjoy. If there was ever a movie that had the title of pornography you should watch with your friends, this is it.

Private Eyes
MEMORABLE LINES: “Give me that big shiny black meat!” Trina Michaels

SCENE 1: “Girl On Top ” (Mike Horner, Julia Ana, Eric Masterson (all non-sexual), Felicia Fox and Kris Knight)
Most of the time, Stormy Daniels is a miss and never a hit for me. She likes producing vanilla porn mixed with some light-hearted humor and maybe some drama. But all in all, she cranks out so-so features that slip off your mind a few minutes after you jerk off. Such is the same fate that had befallen her recent forgettable opus “Private Eyes”. A ripe-looking Felicia Fox plays Natalie Baker, a private investigator that had recently become the head of a top protection firm. Walking towards her office in corporate black, you know this bitch is up to no good. Acting like an adult entertainment Nancy Drew, she's an under-appreciated overachiever whom J. Polaski (a natural Mike Horner) ignores. She decides to assert herself so she can move up the corporate ladder. Instead of the usual route of sleeping with the suits, she relies on her spunk to get the job done. Her rival is Tommy Stevens (played by hammy and peroxide-haired Eric Masterson), the brown-nosing nephew of Polaski who gets the major assignments and is groomed to replace his uncle. But since this is porn, Natalie eventually gets herself into hot sticky situations. The first sex scene is a rather dry toss-up between Natalie and fuck buddy Chris (an ineffectual Kris Knight). When Natalie wakes up topless in bed with Chris, the two duke it out for a morning time delight. During the course of this scene, I enjoyed looking at Natalie's naturally hefty breasts. Brimming with perkiness, I thought this is the only thing going for her in this movie. Chris starts the romance with breast worship. He then eats her pussy, supplementing that with a dildo. Most of the time, we see Chris plugging her vag while licking her clit. Natalie reciprocates with a BJ. I'm surprised that she has good cock sucking skills. But the real downer is when they start the sex. Natalie mounts Chris on a bouncy RC and semi-fiery spooning. Their sex looks awfully generic and mechanical that you decide to hit the “forward” button.

SCENE 2: “Working Undercover' (Felicia Fox, Mike Horner, Mark Masterson (non-sexual), Trina Michaels & Tee Reel )
Working on an insurance claim assignment, Natalie drives into a dark alley disguised as a prostitute. Though it's funny to note, that in her hot corset number, she looked more appropriate as a whore than a detective. She approaches the other prostitutes and waits for her target to appear. The target turned out to be a brother, Leon (Tee Real). After fending off his advances, the neck-braced Leon decided to get the next best thing: Diamond (played by an inconsequential Trina Michaels). The two approach Leon's car and proceed to make love. The sex is again unsatisfactory. Leon worships Diamond's boobs then Diamond sucks his cock. By the hood of his car, Leon takes off his neck brace and performs a doggy. Her boobs wiggle wildly as he thrusts. A sidesaddle and anal RC later, he strokes off on her face. All this time, Natalie retreats to her car and takes the incriminating photos. Even at this achievement, her boss is still unimpressed by her.

SCENE 3: “Japanese Dining” (Kris Knight, Felicia Fox (both non-sexual), Charmane Star & Manuel Ferrara)
Chris and Natalie decide to go on a date. With sushi on the menu, Natalie is not amused. Her real motive is to seek out and take photos of a philandering husband (Manuel Ferrara). The mistress turns out to be hot Oriental chick Charmane. As soon as Chris gets wind of what Natalie's intentions are, he storms off and leaves our Nancy Drew in rapt attention of the hot encounter happening nearby. Charmane and Manuel move to a private room where the dine on each other’s riches. First course is Manuel's boner as Charmane rather awkwardly services. Good thing, Manuel decides to cut to the chase and start with the porking. After donning his rubber, she mounts him on a rapid cowgirl, RC and spooning combo. Manuel's woodsman ship is exceptional as he is not only hung, he can jackhammer his way into anything with that king-sized dong! Charmane tries to keep up with him. Her body is soft, supple and voluptuous so her body glistens and jiggles in the right places as the fucking ensues. Manuel then unceremoniously eats her pussy like it's the Saturday Special. He then maneuvers to jackhammer fuck her backside. A few more “Yeah”, “Uh” and “Oh My God's" later, he shoots his load on her face and tits. Her mouth looks like a glazed donut. Natalie's mission is again successful.

SCENE 4: “Dognappers In Heat ” (Felicia Fox, Julia Ana, Eric Masterson (all non-sexual),Katie Morgan & Mr. Pete)
A client's royal Chinese pug is missing and it's up to an uneasy Natalie and Stevens to retrieve it. After a series of random leads, Natalie breaks into a house to find the dog. She meets up with Stevens and end up holing up in the closet as the dognappers had sex. Though this is the most comedic scene so far, Felicia and Eric didn't pull it off as expected. Katie and Mr. Pete's uninhibited performance, on the other hand, makes this one very enjoyable (and satisfying). Mr. Pete gets the ball rolling with a breast suck and pussy eating. He drives Katie crazy with his muff diving, slapping her mound and messing her pussy with his tongue. She's writhing in pleasure most of the time. She then goes down on his boner. She attacks that head like crazy. The sex starts with a spooning. Katie, as hardcore as they come, demands to be fucked harder. She says “fuck” like it’s punctuation between sighs and groans. Mr. Pete, happy to oblige, administers his jackhammer maneuver. Quite a rewarding stunt as it turns out. While his dick is still inside, he moves her for a jackhammer RC. Thus results an amazing three minutes. This is the best scene but unfortunately, it doesn't get any better. During bed-shaking doggy, Katie grows the words “harder” and “deeper”. Suddenly, he comes on her ass. While the two fuck birds go for another round in the showers, Natalie and Stevens steal away and retrieve the missing dogs. How they managed to find the dog, they never really show.

SCENE 5: “The Lusty Maid” (Voodoo (non-sexual) Nicole Sheridan and Felicia Fox)
Another assignment has Natalie wearing a maid's uniform. Having passably Latin features, she surely passes for the real thing. She's visits a mansion to investigate whether a client's lover – the pool boy (Voodoo) – is having an affair with the client's sister, Claire (a feisty Nicole Sheridan). Once she successfully goes inside the property (a little too easily), we find Claire already soaking in the tub. She calls out for Maria, but the help isn't around. Natalie then decides to approach Claire and do what a maid should do. Little did she know that in this household, the maids get up close and personal with their employers. What results is an amusing g/g that includes fun with strap-ons. They undress and start liberating their big boobies. There's a funny moment as Claire gives instructions and Natalie keeps on saying “Si, Si”. Claire kisses Natalie's boobs and jerks Natalie's cunt. Natalie bends over as Claire administers a dildo doggy. Natalie starts screaming in pleasure. Claire takes off her strap-on bikini so that Natalie can dine on her wet cunt. Later, Claire shows her appreciation by licking the hired help's clit and finger fucking her pussy with a four-finger salute. Natalie takes her turn to eat Claire's muff by tongue fucking Claire. Both girls are expert muff eaters. There's no money shot here. So when Claire gets tired, she asks Natalie if she does windows. After the g/g, Natalie follows the pool boy, Ricardo. He has kidnapped the nosy Stevens and is about to kill him. Good thing, she intervenes just in time and saves the day.

SCENE 6: “Office Quickie “ (Felicia Fox & Eric Masterson)
We have a sex finale that's not as exciting as I would have hoped. After a hokey realization that Natalie is a worthy partner, Stevens backs down and shares the business to Natalie. After a subplot where the two finally admit their attraction for one other, they decide to become partners of the business. After everything has been said and done, we have a corny happy ending. But not without a final toss-up. Inside her office, Natalie and Stevens get it on finally. Stevens kneels down and starts eating her pussy. He uses his tongue slowly but hard to bear down on her uptight twat. He finger fucks her, excavating her pussy goodness. She reciprocates with a bj. Soon came doggy, the slow then bouncy RC, and a mish. Nothing special here. So when Stevens finally releases his jism into Natalie's belly, I was already tuning out. But boy, does Natalie have a nice pair of naturally large kachungas.

Big Titty Woman
STARRING: Katie Morgan

SCENE 1: “Spit Spit Bang Bang!“ (Katie Morgan, Anthony Hardwood and Cheyne Collins)
Here's a movie that unabashedly revels in giant knockers! It's also about spit, drool and mixing it with cum to make a really frothy cocktail. Now this might be greatly erotic to some, but sorry to say, the display is totally revolting to me. The constant spitting has gone so far that sometimes I feel like I'm watching the movie through a windshield in a car wash! Another grotesque feature of this movie is armpit fucking. Now this might sound harsh, but using one's pits to pleasure a man doesn't look sexy on screen nor does it elicit the same response as fellatio. It's just too awkward and weird! It's like using your nose to fuck a girl on her behind! To be fair, there's a good amount of sexual intensity at work in every scene. It's just that the spitting and the drooling and the cum play just gets way past your comfort zone. Be forewarned that it can get really nasty. And I mean that in a bad way. In a living room, a cute short blond Katie shows off her augmented breasts. She's beside the road in the middle of nowhere and a guy suddenly squirts her with oil. Instead of bitching about it, she rubs it all over herself. The artistic license porn movies take on women's behavior. Then we are whisked indoors where the same hands rub Katie's lubed up body. Then Anthony and Cheyne appear to get the action starting. Katie performs a double microphone then spits (in slow motion) onto the camera. She then licks it off. After more duel blowing, the horny dogs proceed to tit fuck our lascivious minx. Katie then sucks off Anthony, but Cheyne is busy elsewhere using his dong as a stopper for her armpits. Anthony soon become envious and joins in the armpit-attacking fray. In a fit of lust, they then reconnect for a doggy finger cuff. The two guys finally shoot their load to glaze their lusty co-star. She cleans it up and spits it out onto the lens. By this time, bile almost rushed out into my throat.

SCENE 2: “Rough 'Cuff!“ ( Eva Angelina, Sascha and Richard Kline )
On a lone freeway, Eva Angelina spits on frame before a water-gun filled with oil is shot all over her boobs and pussy. On cue, Sascha and Richard go in to deliver a nasty doggy style finger cuff (with Sascha doing the coitus part). They then turn to the sidesaddle and RC finger cuff. As a reward, Eva Angelina's lips are clubbed with Richard's dong. Sascha immediately leads her to a cowgirl, before she spits on the camera again. This manages to make their lives friskier as the trio engage in a cowgirl finger cuff and armpit fucking ensue. Her mouth is stretched with the high heels of her shoes while the two guys beat off in her mouth. She looks half-crazed. She spits on her shoes and drinks it again, she does it thrice. Then she lathers her jugs with the spunk. As we leave the scene, we see Eva Angelina proudly displaying her mutant knockers. The bile has already leaked out into my tongue.

SCENE 3: “Enchanted Titty“ (Nadia Hilton and Scott Nails)
Nadia has a long face, unruly blonde hair and mad pair of tits that is just too big for her frame! What is wrong with this bitch? Doesn't she know she looks like Frankenstein with boobies? The freak factor adds in when you see these icky veins sticking out of the sides of her breasts! Man, do you actually think those would turn someone on? Scott comes in, lubes her up. Nadia expresses her appreciation with a two-handed blow. Then with some generous potty mouthing, Nadia subjects herself to some intense face and tit fucking. Soon, they start the cowgirl, spooning and doggy. Scott's fingers wanders off into the parched wilderness of Nadia's poop chute, which he finger fucks like he needs the money. Then comes the armpit loving! For the money shot, Nadia hooks her mouth to get herself a protein shake facial courtesy of Scott's balls lotion. And to add to the kink, Nadia spits the love shake into her shoe and uses it as a glass to drink up. She spits it out again into her tits before spitting it out in onto the lens many times. Oh God, I think I just lost my appetite, for the week.

SCENE 4: “Cockful of Choking“ (Brooke Haven, Jay Huntington and Tony T)
Cover girl Brooke wears a pair of nice ponytails that somehow betrays her lusty worldly face. But her fake tits become the star of the show! Sooner do we find her in the middle of a heated face fucking drama, our Woodys' now seem to be at work. Brooke dines on Jay's kielbasa, but since there's no sauerkraut, she spits on her boobs and into the glass. Things immediately turn to choking fun as Brooke hangs her head over the edge of a sofa to have her throat examined with their beef tongue depressors. Again, we're back to the same old spitting and drooling. The armpit fucking gets old, fast. The guys eventually shoot their load on her mouth. She then spits it at the camera and sucks it back before she uses her tits as windshield wipers to clean the lens.

SCENE 5: “All Fired Up “ (Alexis Amore, Trent Tesoro and Jerry)
Alexis shows off her big augmented jugs outside a freeway where she's already oiled up. She easily attracts the attention of Trent and Jerry by caressing herself. Her black stockings are her sorry excuse for decent clothing. As the three meet, they are now in a living room where she reaches out to her pussy and boobies and mouth. Then our two Romeo's arrive and demand their cocks serviced. She gives a semi-satisfying double microphone. Soon enough, Trent grabs her foot and sucks on her toes. The enterprising Jerry slips a fast one on Trent as he goes into an RC with Alexis. Then both guys, who look strangely pansy in this scene, deliver a double pussy penetration. A rarity in these parts in decades! Al throughout the dp festivities, we get to see the charming image of her rosebud festooned with hemorrhoids and a few stray, uh, "baby" dingle berries. Alexis then gets double P2M as she lubricates their dick with spit before another hot session. Later, the two guys initiate an energetic pitts fuck, which resulted in them popping one after the other on her face and tongue. Alexis, a dirty girl with ambition, gargles on the collected balls gravy for a multiple creamy. No more McShakes for me, ever!